Ajna Spade

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 21:42:43 GMT

NaNoWriMo is coming up, so this journal will be in use again.

Yes, I hear the crickets.

Maybe I should take out all the drama I had from last year and stick it somewhere else, because this was just supposed to be a writing, journal, right? But then again, my real life drama always tends to bleed into my fiction like a persistent Morman.

So, yeah, pull up a chair and grab some tomatoes cuz its gonna start again.

And this time I won't catch Mono and have to stop!

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 09:20:47 GMT

Writers of the Future calls out to me and says "Write the damned dream story and submit it! Submit, bitch!"

And so I will listen to that voice in my head, because it is better than the other voice in my head that tells me to throw the pizza at Robert.

Hi, Robert.

My creative bug is back, I have pushed alot aside and brightened some horizons. With that knowledge, I will go to bed and dream of selling my car. My smushed car. My car that JUST WON'T DIE.

sledgehammer, yes, sledgehammer

...walk-in freezer.... ooooo the possibilities.

>.> <.< this is a definate sign that Joe is right. I need to sleep. Always listen to the white guy with a 'fro.

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 09:28:39 GMT

Other than my fiction and posts directly relating to my fiction, this journal will now be inactive.

Stay only if you want my fiction.

Oh My....

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 08:41:33 GMT

I'm too amused.

Kinguchan: http://www.livejournal.com/community/mock_the_stupid/857195.html?style=mine#cutid1 SHE HAS THREE HANDS!!

Vf1Ana: let me see ^_^

Kinguchan: i can't stop looking at it lol~

Vf1Ana: OMG, that is freeky

Kinguchan: "oh, darling, your hand... it's so beautiful... and so is the other one... and the other one.....WAIT!!!"
Kinguchan: lol

Vf1Ana: LOL
Vf1Ana: where did you find this?

Kinguchan: on a LJ community i'm on. when i'm bored with nothing better to do, i do this :D

Vf1Ana: i'm so gonna print this out
Vf1Ana: i must show this to everybody

Kinguchan: LOL~~
Kinguchan: "look, this is soooo sexy! THREE hands!"

Vf1Ana: indeed. imagine with three hands
Vf1Ana: one for the woody
one for the left nut
one for the right nut
Vf1Ana: that man must be very happy

Kinguchan: ::DIES::
Kinguchan: OMG!!! here i was, trying not to be pervy, and you just go and take the cake
Kinguchan: ::claps::

Vf1Ana: thank you ::bows::
Vf1Ana: 8-)

some twenty minutes later

Vf1Ana: i hate teachers that take roll
Vf1Ana: especially the boring ones

Kinguchan: it's always that way >< it sucks! they should realize all we're doing is writing porn or thinking about something else ^^;;;

Vf1Ana: very true ^_^
Vf1Ana: i gotta get going -_-

Kinguchan: awww
Kinguchan: ;-;

Vf1Ana: my mom needs the phone

Kinguchan: okay, well, i'll talk to you later :D
Kinguchan: night night~~~

Vf1Ana: okay ^_^
Vf1Ana: good nite

Kinguchan: THREE HANDS! :D

Vf1Ana: handy dandy triple hand sex! yay for that man!

Kinguchan: ::dies:: night, anson ;p

Vf1Ana: nite nite

I'm too amused.

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 08:46:04 GMT

I ISH TEH EMPLOYED!!!111!!!

In other words, I'm contemplating my first original thing and... damn, how I have it, it'd be better as a comic style work because of how it is. Problem is, even if I can draw like how I used to, my drawing style is not consistent. I need to find a dependable artist to team up with >.>

I'm really tired, so I'm going to sleep now.

Much sewingness tomorrow

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 09:15:46 GMT

Everyone's in a circle of shit, me included.

Although, my circle of shit seems to only hit certain points on some other circle of shit, but I know so much about it, and it effects me as well. And even though I want to say "Fuck it! I don't want to hear about it anymore!", there's more to it, there's more pain than just mine.

And yet, maybe it's me being a bitch or me growing a backbone, but I don't care, I don't want to hear about it, and my sympathies are where I wouldn't have expected them to be.

And, of course, I'm a horrible person too, but it doesn't have to do with the circle of shit that anyone on this journal's friends reads about.

Aren't we all just lovely people?

I've taken my bitching elsewhere.

Also, I got a nice phone call on V-day night with the most supportive speech I've heard in a long ass time. It let me fall asleep without feeling like shit. Made it not matter that I'm totally and utterly alone. Because now I know that I have some people truly at my back that know the cardinal rules of life, love, and friendship.

February Vegas Trip (Crossposted to Other Journal)

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 10:28:01 GMT

Well, Jade needed to go to Vegas to visit her parents who were in the country this week, so we went there on Sunday. We got there and waited for Teara to call, then we picked her and Rachel up from the Harley Davidson cafe.

We went to Wal-Mart and we had fun looking at all the cute stuffed animals and we found these hula hoops that were scented. It was really really weird. So we were sniffing and hula-ing and then we look over cuz we hear "I have been sent to slay the dragon mistresses!" And we see this guy who looked like late teens, maybe early twenties, with a LIGHT SABER chasing after us O_O Apparently, we were the dragon mistresses. We ran for our dear lives through the aisles of Wallyworld. We thought we were gonna die ;-; hehe. And then! We thought we lost him! But ooooooh no! "Deja vu!" we hear. Someone cried "FUCK!" and we dashed again. O_O

After escaping that, we made our way to the Hard Rock Cafe, but ended up in the casino and while waiting in line for the ATM, this guy looked at me and asked if I was a good kitty (cuz my shirt says "Good Kitty" on the front and "Gone Bad" on the back) and I blinked and said no. He asked if I was a bad kitty. I tried to think of a good answer, but just said no. Then he asked if I was a kitty at all, and I shook my head and said no. When he left, I realized I should've said, "no! I'm a dragon mistress!"

And then we met up with Jade's parents at the Hard Rock Cafe. The Hard Rock Cafe was fun. The YMCA played and everyone was dancing, except for us, and one of the waiters got on our case about it, but he was doing enough ass shaking for us all ^^;; During that dinner, a Grease song came on and somehow it got out that I'd never seen the movie. We had another "Laura lived a very sheltered life" moment then.

We then went to go pick up Rachel's friend Mika from her work and then we went back to Teara's. We ended up trying to find this one webtoon thing, but we never did find it. We also made Engrish jokes ^^;;; Then we had to take Mika home, so we took her home and came back. Did we watch anything? ::blinks:: I don't think we did... But, I do know I drew the most badass stick figure comic. Four Dollars!! Oh yeah~~~~ You can see it here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/xevron/83410.html

The next day, we woke up and we went to the Chinese Buffet. I ate some really interesting stuff there. And I got to see Teara's "Cute Guy" whose name is "Hans" (probably spelt differently, but that's what it sounds like). He's probably like 30 or something, but he's still hot. ::nods:: I was amused. Go him! It's clear(er?) now: Teara has good taste hehe

Then... ah! we went to Red Shoes. Pretty shoes. No money ;_;. We also went to the Virgin Records. On the way to the Virgin Records, I saw this group of Japanese guys walk into a store. They all had such cool hair I wanted to get a picture of them, so I dragged Teara and Jade to go to the store and we went there and asked the guys if we can get a picture of them because their hair was cool, but they didn't understand English. So I had to talk in my broken Japanese to get the point across. The one with the best hair hid in the back of the store though. It made me sad. Anyway, three of them posed for us, so we got their picture, and then one of them wanted a picture with us, so we posed with him. Later, Teara realized something. Me with my broken Japanese, her with her entire outfit being H. Naoto brand, and Jade holding Teara's dollfie PLUS us doing peace signs at the camera (which alot of people don't realize that even people who don't like Japanese stuff still do peace signs when all happyhappy) made us probably look like we were wanting to be Japanese. Oh well. It was fun and they'll never meet us again, so whatever lol.

And... hmm.. I don't remember much else of that night other than us watching Grease (which I actually don't see why everyone likes it so much ^^;;;) and then we ended up talking for a long time and I made grilled cheese sandwiches at 4:00AM... then after we ate them, Jade and Teara wanted another one, so I tried to teach Teara how to make them, but she gave up after I had to spread her butter on the bread heheh.

Then we started watching Rocky Horror Picture Show (Another movie I've not seen), but I fell asleep really fast cuz I was dead tired from all my cooking and stuff.... or something lol. I woke up to Teara saying we were all gonna sleep on the couch, and her laying on my hip or butt or something and I was laying on some part of Jade. Her feet maybe? I dont' know... my pillow was in the way. ^^;; I'm still amazed we all slept on that couch.

Then today, I woke up and Jade and Teara had already been awake and they went to 7-11 while I got dressed. We went to Bellagio to look at the Monet exhibit, but it cost money, so we just walked around the flower thing they have. It was funny cuz we still had the dollfie, who is a Tsukasa model named Hiroki in case any dollfie peoples are reading this, and this guy comes up and asked something. I think he asked Teara if Hiroki was her or hers...? I don't know, but somehow Teara told him that Hiroki was a guy and the guy says, "oh, he must be a gay like me." Oh my god that was so cute lol

Then we had to see Jade's parents again, so we went to the hotel they were staying at, but we got lost. But a guy recognized my X shirt (it has the Jealousy cover on it) and asked me if I listen to X. I said yeah and he said he saw them one year live when he was in Tokyo. Lucky bastard.

While we were lost, this woman asked to see Hiroki, and she was saying something like "She's so pretty" and Teara told her that Hiroki was a boy, so she said, "he can be my lover then!" O_O Poor Hiroki.

When we finally made it to Jade's parents' hotel room, she got her Xmas stuff and one of the people in there stripped Hiroki because she wanted to see for herself that Hiroki really was lifelike ;-; Poor Hiroki, yet again.

Then we went to KFC and got food. Damned cheap bastards wanted to charge me for ranch sauce. Then we went back, watched Futurama, and then Jade and I had to go. And here I am, on the computer when I should be sleeping cuz I gotta wake up in five hours. Damn. I'm unhealthy >.>

I'm gonna start making dollfie clothes and selling them on Ebay cuz Dollfie people have money that I want. ::laughs::

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 09:08:36 GMT

Things are looking a bit balanced... the terrible shit is balancing out my more positive outlook that I'm forcing myself to have.

Mom's gonna have me start to pay for more as of April, so I have to get a new job. Been looking, but not much luck. Probably will take the B.A.R.T. class in March (will have to talk to EMT teacher to see if I can go to class a different day so I can do that) and then hope to get hired at Loma Linda. I should probably apply for other things there tomorrow as well. I'm also gonna hit up the Target going to open in Redlands and various other places locally.

Looks like I'll definately be staying with Lizzy this year for Anime Expo. I guess that's okay. Cheap hotel rate cuz there will be many of us in there. I have to start working on the costumes for it. Luckily, most of the costumes I'm doing are simple.

Friday and Saturday will be local job hunting and sewing and Sunday-Tuesday night I should be away in Vegas with Jade so she can visit her parents who are gonna be down in the states. Then I come back and have another week until school starts. Need to get my books.

I'm bringing a brighter perspective to my life right now. I'm aiming to get my B.A. so I can go into JET and teach. I'm going to look into writing professionally since I wanted to do that too. I'm sewing more things that are looking better. I plan to go to Japan sometime within the next year or two.

I want to get out more, talk to more people, find people to help me move on with my life and find someone to be selfish about.

I've been thinking about some of the people I've known all my life. Some people I've been able to relate to. Some have moved on with their lives, some haven't. I check up on some people from time to time. The most surprising is Kei. He found himself a girl that brought him through everything and let him stop hating himself, let him realize that just because his parents don't accept him doesn't mean anything, let him start living. I'm happy for him.

And then, there's some friends of mine that seem to still be stuck. Or have receeded. And I want to help them, but don't even know how to help myself. So, I have to get better. I have to make myself better before I can make other people better.

I feel so stupid saying that, but I really feel that.

::nods:: now I will go sew, because I can.

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 07:25:55 GMT

I feel bad again. Really bad about too much.

I used someone the other night, if only for a night, because he let me. Because it was nothing to him either. I did that a few months ago too. I used someone, if only for a night, because she let me. Because we were both in pain and needed a distraction.

I know some people brush stuff off and say, "well, what the hell? not so uncommon" but, fuck it, I'm not like that. At least, I'd like to think I'm not like that.

I don't want to be fake. I don't want to smile when I don't feel like it. I don't want to pretend that I feel when I don't. I don't want to pretend I don't feel when I do.

I hate having things shoved into my face continously. I hate the fact that all my life, people have prefered my friends over me. I hate the fact that I can't hold onto anything for long.

I don't like that I don't feel important to anyone. I don't like the fact that everyone who is important to me is either so far away or doesn't need me. I don't like being alone.

I wish I could go back to the times that I wouldn't cry for anything. I wish I could've cried at my grandpa's death at least once. I wish someone would cry for me for once.

I wish I could meet a version of me that wasn't fucked up early in life so that I would know what I was supposed to be like. I wish that at least once in my life I could fall asleep with someone holding me from behind. I wish that loving someone didn't automatically mean phsyicalities.

I don't want to be afraid of people anymore. I wish I could get over everything and actually feel something with other people instead of instantly numbing myself. I wish that I didn't get my instant numbness wiped away by a person who doesn't feel the same.

I wish things that have been said in the past won't come up in my head. Like when someone asked me if I considered him my friend. And now I wonder if he really does consider me a friend too or if he's just keeping me around because he doesn't want to push me away for some reason.

I wish I still had dreams and hopes that reached to some sort of happiness instead of just settling for what I think will keep me financially stable. I wish I could consider my future without money being an object.

I feel like retreating back into myself again. Maybe I'll do what Nathaniel did and just stop talking to people online. Sometimes I feel like that.

I want to go back to New Orleans. I felt at home there, odd as it sounds. Away from everyone it was fresh and magical.

I don't know what I'm going to do and that makes me mad. That makes me sad. That makes me scared.

Thu, 22 Jan 2004 07:46:43 GMT

Immersing myself in various thoughts and activities. I need to finish sewing certain things and get to work on reviewing Japanese. I found out the general wages of an EMT worker and figured that if I work it right, I won't even have to go into the mortuary science thing.

See, I was only really going into it so that I could afford to put myself through university level so I could get my BA so that I could teach English all over. If I do the EMT thing, then maybe I could be able to afford the university thing.

Which means I can get my BA sooner and get out of this country. Start exploring. Maybe find someone to get my mind off of everything that I want to forget. Yeah, some nice whipped Korean guy like Gyon-woo in My Sassy Girl. Bah. Yeah. Like that's really what I want, but, whatever.

Nice to divert my thoughts like that.

I found out that Psy and my soul mate are planning on going to Akon~~~ That makes me happy.

Thinking of getting a job just so I won't be bored.

Guess I should hit up that Linens and Things job fair afterall.

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 17:40:26 GMT

I won't be taking Japanese this semester because it puts me over the limit they allow >< Sorry to anyone who wanted me in there with them. Looks like its self-paced study for me.

My schedule for school (starting Feb 17th I believe)

Monday - off

Tuesday - Geology 8:00 - 9:45AM
Geology Lab 9:45 - 1:15PM
Health 1:50 - 3:35PM
Speech 3:35 - 5:20PM

Wednesday - Emergency Medical Technician 7:00 - 5:30PM

Thursday - Geology 8:00 - 9:45AM
Health 1:50 - 3:35PM
Speech 3:35 - 5:20PM

Friday - off

Ah, doesn't that just look great?
-_-

Didn't get my online Anthropology though ;-;

oh well, what's 8 less units? More sanity, that's what

Fucking Cactus

Tue, 20 Jan 2004 07:20:23 GMT

Don't ask about the cactus.

Fucking dizziness is back again. Usually it was only one every few days and would last for maybe two minutes. But the past few days its been many times a day and for longer. Which means I"m nauseous again and running a fever.

Fun.

Yeah, this has got to be a stress related thing.

I can't even think of things to write.

But you know what? With all the shit that's been going on, I at least have one happy note.

CARRIE IS BACK FROM JAPAN

I miss Carrie soooo much ;-; I'm visitng her tomorrow, and most likely we will go to Food 4 Less and do the Janken Pyon dance in the aisles like we did the night before she left.

I register for classes tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and fuck crying.

Fuck mixed messages.

Fuck the post office.

And fuck cactuses because Jan and I will get married dammit! We have the ringpop to prove it ._.

musing on thoughts

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 07:34:03 GMT

There's alot that has been floating around in my head, but I'm kinda on the musing about when wiffie was telling me that even I seem to have changed within the time we've known each other.

True, I have changed in the past few years. In fact, it seems as though I've been changing alot recently--or at least showing it more.

I have gotten a bit more assertive and a bit more aware of my emotions. I've allowed myself to venture out and just do things instead of thinking of social constrictions. I've gone ahead and fully accepted many parts of myself and started trying to break down what it is I hate about myself into feasible, correctable pieces.

I've done new things. I've tried new foods. I've started drinking (though its not regular, but I'm exposing myself to it more and more). I've been more open about my sexuality (though some of my longest friends still don't seem to realize that I am what I am and I'm not one to just say "hey, gender's not an issue" out of the blue).

But I'm still not able to laugh everytime I'm happy or think something is funny. I'm still not able to fight back when things get bad for me. I'm still so confused and don't know what I want to do with my life. I still act overconfident around my parents and other "authority figures" because I want them to see me as mature and not some little kid. I still go to sleep afraid of my dreams. I still pine over the same guy, even though I know its unrequited. I still fear that everyone will leave me. I still wonder when Jason will snap enough to actually succeed. I still feel lost. I still worry constantly. I still will do anything for my friends. I still use my fiction as an outlet for my feelings.

I still don't know what I'm doing here. I still don't think that anyone could possibly hold me as important as I hold them (even though the proof is there, my paranoia is still so strong). I'm still afraid of older people, of bigger people, and of guys in general. I still just want to be able to fall asleep close to someone I trust every night.

I still wonder how things would've turned out if I'd opened my mouth sooner--on so many subjects. I still wonder how I would be if I wasn't such a people pleaser. I still wonder how different things would be if I didn't have that mentality when I was younger that anything anyone who was older did was the right thing to do. Hind sight has been something that always urks me.

I wonder if this even had a point.

Tadaimasu

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 08:04:11 GMT

Hey all, I'm back!

Signifigant new things:
Ate real Chinese food
Ate Korean food
Ate Vietnamese food
Ate real mac and cheese
Had Chianti
Had good champagne
Played in 4 inch snow
Confirmed the non-existance of Beavis and Butthead slash
Had coffee

Wiffie took real good care of me in Michigan ::huggles her::

Most of the visit was perverted jokes all the way (like the expensive prostitute :D). We told weird stories to each other, obsessed slightly over Jude Law's brattiness, and got to talk about things and actually be able to do more than type about them!

The trip also allowed me to be calm enough to think about things. Let me realize that I don't show emotions well and numb myself to them, and that's probably pushed some people away. It let me realize just how much this whole love situation back here in California is killing me (like the fact I was almost in tears on the plane when we got back in Ontario because, although I miss him alot, it still fucking hurts to know how things are here). It reminded me of my firm belief that you don't always have to be physically near the ones you love for it to grow.

The plane rides themselves reminded me of the painful fact that I can never become a pilot (which I've never told anyone before, but I've always really really wanted to be a pilot ever since my uncle let me fly his plane from Long Beach to Catalina, but I'm legally never going to be allowed to). The time I got to spend thinking between my dreams reminded me that I need to get serious about school and really think if I could ever truly be happy with mortuary work (I mean, its cool and all, but all my "it'd be so cool" is just me trying to convince myself of that because I'm really scared and have no clue of what I want to do that I can do besides writing).

i get home and for once, its not the awful fighting when i get home, though my cat won't even look at me. I got my unemployment info, so I have to plan for my trips (Dallas, hopefully Boston and hopefully another Chicago) for this summer.

::sighs:: I'm gonna be busy at home tomorrow catching up on things. I really need to sleep.

Wed, 07 Jan 2004 03:13:31 GMT

It's been a fun past few days... I really just don't feel like talking about it though.

I'm leaving tomorrow for Michigan and I'll get to be with wiffie for a whole week! ^_^

I was doing really well being happy, despite certain circumstances, and then I got so depressed again just by a single action of other people. And I feel bad about being depressed about it, but at the same time, I know I'm perfectly justified to feel bad about it.

...and that probably made no sense to anyone but me, huh?

But it doesn't matter. I know things won't go how I want them to, but I'm also worried. Worried that someone may be doing something just to have something. Worried that someone might hurt himself and others by rushing to first available answers. And I can't say anything because I really don't know. I don't know the whole situation. I hear little of the whole situation and I don't know how others think. But I'm still worried.

And I'm fucking tired. 2 hours' sleep in 3 days kills

2003 Survey

Fri, 02 Jan 2004 08:52:52 GMT

1.What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Went to/worked at a concert, got drunk, confessed something long past due, got laid, cried in someone's arms, bought plane tickets.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousin

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, unless you count Matt or Chuck, but they're more family friends than mine

5. What countries did you visit?
Just this one

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
strength

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Mid-November. You know, just something about blurting out a feeling that's aged about five years

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surviving

9. What was your biggest failure?
Letting people affect me too much

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
started it out with Mono, then got Strep

11. What was the best thing you bought?
plane tickets

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
erm....?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
appalled? none. depressed? its not his fault, all mine, so i should just say me

14. Where did most of your money go?
gas, hotels, and fabric

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
AX...for..some...odd...reason

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
Prolly AMBER or GARDEN

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder.
ii. thinner or fatter? same.
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
hanging out with friends

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
cared

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
this year coming up? i dunno

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
erm, was already there

23. How many one-night stands?
one

24. What was your favorite TV program?
erm... Father Ted?

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
ah, not really, though I tried. I really tried

26. What was the best book you read?
This year? American Gods by Neil Gaiman

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
DAY AFTER TOMORROW

28. What did you want and get?
A real hug and to meet some friends

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
erm.... Pirates!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my actual birthday, I woke up at my friend's apartment, went home, got chewed out by my grandpa, ate dinner, and cried myself asleep. I turned 19

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
for my life to not be like a bad fan fic

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
black clothes, baggy clothes, what the hell are these JEANS??

34. what="What" kept="kept" you="you" sane?
nothing

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Kyo and Toshiya (only cuz i really like him in my fic and I want one).

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
*Politics? wuzzat? +_#? I guess the anti-gay stuff. That's just RETARDED. (i'll just leave that in there :D)

37. Who did you miss?
alot of people. Too many people. In a nutshell, everyone

38. Who was the best new person you met?
aaa.... erm... i dunno.... i met so many people, and they're all so great in their own way

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
That everyone still views me as a little kid who doesn't know what she wants or needs.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"The reasons why one can't laugh from the heart
It's a simple reason
That's life"
--Child Prey, Dir en grey

Fri, 02 Jan 2004 07:03:11 GMT

No more work.

You know, some things in life simply just aren't fair.
Some things in life just come back and repetively slap you in the face.
Sometimes you realize you're a glutton for punishment.
Sometimes you realize that you've not exactly been the best person either.
Sometimes you are faced with something and you don't know how to deal with it, so you grin like an idiot and bear with it.
There are times when you know things aren't right, and that you should say something, but know you can't because you just aren't that person--you aren't who they need, who they want, or who would be better for them.
There are times that someone looks like a good idea, but then you have to remind yourself that they're only temporary.
So many times its hard to remember that give and take is the way of the world---sacrifice for gain.
And oh so often there are those times when you have no clue what to do or say, and wish that people could simply feel how much you do care and how geniune it is, and how so much about the way things are kill a little bit of you every beat.

Mrew

Wed, 31 Dec 2003 07:57:05 GMT

For yesterday

for today

Yesterday was quite fun ^_^ I was sewing and Mandy called up, so we went to Pharoahs. Reminder to self = DDR in plats is evil.

Evil plotting is ensuing...

I'm running in and out of the room, sorry to everyone I'm ignoring, but I have no hands free and I just ran in real quick to type this because I'm already going to bed way too late tonight >.>

Mon, 29 Dec 2003 09:55:24 GMT

Dead tired right now and not really talking to many people ^^;

I finally got another part of Chemistry out the other day. It'd been over a month since I'd last posted it and I felt really bad about it being so long.

The problem was that too much had happened socially and emotionally. Writing these fics have always been a way for me to work out my feelings about so many things and I was faced with dealing with a very big part of my emotions since I had last posted a part.

I was thinking about this year as a whole. The things I've learned, done, figured out. The friendships I've gained and lost, strengthened and weakened.

And I realized how much I love having my circle of readers. These people who encourage me and they don't even know me. I really truly do appreciate each and every one of them, no matter what type of person they are.

From my writing, my therapy, I've gained a strange sort of status in this world---at least for my group of people.

Ficcing has been a very very big part of my life because its introduced me to so much. It's going to be so hard to leave it. But then again, I've been so lucky to have been assured by so many of them that even if I don't do fics, as long as I still write, it doesn't matter if its my own stuff or what not, they'll still support me.

;-; If I ever get to be a big time published author, I hope I never change. I hope I still appreciate all the fans this much. I hope I can still convey to them that it really does help just knowing that they're reading my crap.

...why am I writing this? i should be asleep.

Sat, 27 Dec 2003 06:57:09 GMT

Fri, 26 Dec 2003 08:02:12 GMT

That's for yesterday since I wasn't online and I didn't go to work today.

Capitalism Day was okay. I'm really stuffed though.
Did this... didn't want to post it in other LJ, so here it is. Not everyone's on there, but most are

a_siren - First knew you from reading your fanfics ^^; I thought you were really cool and I still think so today! You're very knowledgeable about many things and fun to hang out with ^_^v

adi_das - One of my muses!!! You've always been so kind throughout the whole time I've known you! You're a great designer and a great friend! Your support helps me alot when I get frustrated about writing!

aggy - Wai! I love your fics too! So so good! You think my fics are good, but they're nothing compared to yours! And you're always supportive as well. You're full of good ideas and inspiration.

airabuyuu - We started talking because of geographical reasons yay! We don't talk as much, but its always nice to hear a word from you in LJ or on AIM. You're very ambitious (hehe, Girls, be ambitious) and love kitties too much for your own good, but that's a good thing too!

amiricol - We don't much, but you're still very supportive and very sweet! I hope to get to know you better once I'm able to be online more!

angelmichiru - Mega super hugs to you girl! You're always there whenever I need you and I wish I could be there more for you. You've got a heart too big for this world, but if it was any other way, you wouldn't be you.

askavi - You want to tie me to the cieling O_o ;-; We used to talk alot, but not anymore. It makes me sad. But you were always fun to talk to and supportive as well (well, as long as it was your fav couple lol)

attizzikah - another supportive gem that I don't get to talk to as much as I like to. You cheer me up whenever I get word from you! Hopefully I can talk to you more soon.

blankdoll - My evil twin!!! We met, we talked, we found out that we are twins! I miss you lots and hope that I can visit you soon! You stayed here for a week! heheh. That was tons of fun!

boingo6425 - One of the best friends I've had. I'm glad to have been able to be your friend, even though we don't get to see each other half as much as I'd like to. I'm very glad that in the past couple months we've been able to meet up more and hope that we can keep it up ^_^

brokendowninit - You messaged, I messaged, and the rest...well, we're still on message message. You're very nice from what I can see though! Good luck on everything~

chobit_kyo - Wai wai! I don't get to see you much at all, but whenever I do, you're always ready with a nice long hug that makes me feel special! You're very creative (tissue dresses!) and very sweet.

chobitgackt - I also don't get to see you much either, but you're also very huggy and sweet and make me feel special. I don't know too much about you, but I hope that I'll be able to talk to you more.

crimson_memoire - One of my old OpenDiary buddies! We used to talk alot more than we do now. I miss talking to you as we used to, but both of us are really busy and have lots going on. It was fun hanging out with you at AX that first year we met and whenever I think of you, I think of that time :D

cutekawaii - One of my first online buddies ever! Ah, Ecircles. Those were the days, huh? You're an awesome seamstress and I can see you getting very far in this world in anything you decide to do. We didn't get to hang out at AX as I hoped we would, but it was nice having you as a roommate nonetheless!

dai2die - My other first online buddy! I also didn't get to spend nearly as much time as I'd have liked to with you at AX, but it was great getting to meet you face to face. You're also a wizard in the sewing and art department and I think you can go anywhere you want to and make it with flying colors.

danner_jan - The first time I met you, you gave me the most awesome back massage and everytime since, I've been graced with your wonderful massaging fingers ^_^ But, you are more than a massaging machine! You're a very smart guy who cares alot about his friends. I wish you lived closer cuz I'd hang out with you outside of cons! :D

domestik - My evil minion! We bonded because we both were the silent buggers during the whole dinner and arcade thing a couple years ago. But, we dun talk like... at all anymore. ;-;

edenadvance - Another avid supporter! You're always full of fun whenever I talk to you and I'm happy when I see you on AIM cuz you cheer me up ^_^

evil_chicobo - WIFFIE!!!! Our first meeting is forever ethched in my mind. ::opens head:: see, right there. VANILLA. ^_^v I haven't seen you in SOOOO long and I'll get to see you again in a couple weeks! You're one of the most supportive people I know and I'm always happy to talk to you, even if its just, "sorry I'm not talkative" hehe. Luff luff!!!!! ^_^

forged - I don't talk to you outside of LJ, but your comments amuse me. You're also a really good musician and I still have that CD you sent! :D

herophelia - I miss you ;-; I'm so happy that we got to be friends even after I was kinda bitchy on our first meeting (no sleep is bad!). You're a very ambitious woman and very well rounded. You also give great haircuts :D hehe

kawaiifuafuaemi - My foreign exchange student from Fontana!!! You're one of my favorite people to travel with because whenever we go somewhere, a slew of stories are created. You're very cool and hanging out with you makes me remember why its good to be crazy!

kazumi - I don't really talk to you much, but you're a very interesting person from what I can see. Your comments always make me smile. I wish you best of luck in everything you do :D

keishoku - One of my husbands~ You've always been supportive to me and I wish you were still around here ;-;. You taught me the ways of Farfism! You make friends where ever you go and that's because you're too cool for your own good ;p

koneko_totchi - You've seen so many sides of me... especially hysterically crying me ^^; You're always supportive and full of encouragement. You're a great friend and I wish things went better for you than they do~

kotoe - Another OpenDiary friend! I don't talk to you as much as before, and I feel bad about that, but I always love talking to you when we do talk and we can go on not talking for a long time and then still click. Hopefully soon I'll be able to drive out to visit you~ You've always been a great friend and I consider myself very lucky to know you.

laserkei - where are you man??? You're also very nice and fun to hang around, but where are you? Disappearing boy O_o

libra_iruka - I don't get to talk to you much either, but you're also full of good happy notes whenever I get one from you. You're very supportive and I'm glad to have you on my friends!

mako - We randomly talk on AIM and you almost always comment on my fic posts. You write such cute fics and you're full of encouragment as well. Hopefully I'll get to talk to you more when I'm online more!

mikiko - Met you at AX and I don't talk to you as much as I should, but unfortunately you've only known me when I can only be online when I'm dead tired X_x You're a very sweet girl and I hope to get to know you better!

nexusmachiavela - Our friendship is perhaps one of the more interesting ones I've had because knowing you has let me see alot of sides of myself that I don't think I would've discovered--at least not for a while. You're a very deep person and I don't understand you as much as I'd like to, but I'm willing to keep trying. We got married on a carousel. ^_^

onyxmoon - We've been friends for some time now ^^ You're a very interesting person and seem very selective with people you associate with on a regular basis, which makes me happy that I am one of the people you talk to regularly. You always keep your head up high and are very supportive in every way. I feel very lucky to be your friend.

painfulblue - My soulmate!!! We finally got to meet in person this summer and you got to see so much of my emotions (I only have those few ;p) in that time. You fulfilled your promise to get me drunk and even though that weekend really sucked for other reasons, your prescence made it so much more bareable. Hopefully we'll meet again soon!

pandorajinel - Things have not been yay for you, and I wish it were different. You're a very fun person to be around and I wish things went better for you. Your ambition is very admirable and your encouragement is priceless.

poisonking - Where the hell are you Cain? I miss you! ><

psychedeliclove - I also got to meet you at AX and your prescense there was also one of the ones that made it bareable! hehe... perverse strawberries~~ I love talking to you because not only are you a good friend who can relate, but you can debate topics with me without making me feel stupid, with backing up your views with solid points, and still be friends even if views differ. I hope I get to see you again too~

shinyakun - My ever-not-present older brother~~~ You're always fun to talk to and still need to tell me a story! You're very anal about somethings, but its fun ;p You're also very perverse and creative and protective of your friends. And holey! Can't forget holey!

siosan - I'm taking good care of you, right? You're one of my best friends. Too much bad stuff happens to you sometimes, but you don't let it get you down for too long. You deserve to have more things go your way, and boba to top it all. You're very smart, read too much sex in the barn for your own good, and are always good for support and a good chat!

siruveru - I don't talk to you outside of LJ, but whenever I get a comment from you, its always something good ^_^ We should talk more.

sylphlolita - And where are you man?? Your music was what first got us talking, but you were a really fun person to talk to aside from that and I miss talking to you ;-;

tamayaki - My older sister! ^_^ We met at Denny's and then we got to hang out and you made me play the drum game and I did well! Shock shock! You're always an adorable personality with an adorable apperance to match. I wish you lived out here ;-;

thingwraith - I miss you!! You're always supportive of me and I wish more good happened to you! ::glomps::

vanillagackt - I MISS YOU!! COME BACK TO AMERICA!!!!! ;-; we need to go to Food4Less at 3 AM and do the Janken Pyon dance again!

vf1ana - You're still pregnant with my child, aren't you? You're always good to make me smile. I love hanging out with you and miss doing so. 7-11 and bikes!

xevron - I met you because of the Denny's dinner thing I organized and I'm very glad I did! You're a very creative girl who always makes me smile when I talk to you. You're very true to yourself and I wish I lived closer to you because I think you're a priceless friend.

youkotriumph - We used to talk all the time, and now we never talk. I remember calling you one time and you were crying and I felt so utterly hopeless that, had I the money, I would've bought a ticket to go out and visit you then and there. ;-; I care lots about you and wish things were better for you.

yuki_no_ningyou - I haven't talked to you long, but you're an AWESOME writer, AWESOME cosplayer, and AWESOME person all around :D I don't talk to you as much as some people, but when I do, its always so much fun!

Grr

Wed, 24 Dec 2003 08:16:42 GMT

while Aggy tells me something inflating my ego, Adi tells me something that aggravates it. -__- oh well.

Hey! Its Dir en grey sing along time! here's the translation to Marmalade Chainsaw.

You're a monkey, looking all honest all over the wall.
One Tweleve Two Eleven Three Ten Four Nine Death Thirteen
Shoot the guys who are just talk. Am I insane? Is society pleased?
Suck suck suck'em all till the end and mine death thirteen.
It becomes reality as my wrist pricks. Ain't fuckin' around.
Mouth to Mouth. Can't hear the cry of the newborn baby. Honey looks down at the caffold.
Stuffed inside the refrigerator is a sacrificed flower.
It's the highly praised Serial Horror Show.

Nobody's hell like mine
You're a Dancing Majestic Baby.
The works of orange is Thirteen.
Nobody's hell like mine.
You're a Screaming Majestic Baby.
A clockwork of Death Thirteen.

Lets play with the chainsaw
SUCK ME

Living honestly is my good point and I have no bad points to my personality.
One Twelve Two Eleven Three Ten Four Nine Death Thirteen
Shoot him who just screamed.
Am I insane? Is society pleased?
Suck suck suck'em all till the end mine death thirteen.
It becomes reality as my wrist pricks. Ain't fuckin' around.

Nobody's hell like mind
You're a Dancing Majestic Baby.
The works of orange is Thirteen.

Nobody's hell like mind
You're a Screaming Majestic Baby
A clockwork of Death Thirteen

I love this album...

Sun, 21 Dec 2003 08:16:38 GMT

Well, today was just really really weird. I kept myself very very busy because something disturbed me too much.

Anyone know some good information on the Hindu goddess Kali?

stupid goddesses going into my dreams where they shouldn't... ><

My dreams have always been a place I'd rather not be, and this last one just took the cake.

Sat, 20 Dec 2003 07:26:04 GMT

I realized something... the fact that I've been able to have something again means I've been stronger. But now that the particular something isn't quite within reach, I was crying at the small things again. Pathetic.

My love is a strange strange thing.

I'm very very happy for some people being in my life. And I'm very happy I'm going to get to see wiffie again after so long. I feel bad that I'm so uninteresting to talk to when I talk to her 90% of the time, and I'm happy she puts up with me ^_^

I'm happy to have reunited with a friend after so long of not being around him, and happy to have voiced some things that I probably shouldn't have, but now that they're out there, there's no taking them back.

I'm also very happy that my bed has three blankets on it, because its fucking cold in this house.

Yo

Fri, 19 Dec 2003 06:40:39 GMT

I posted for people to give me addys for Xmas cards (actually, papers with "meri kuri" on them), but no one's responded yet. Ah well.

My voice is almost back. I was listening to "Amber" today and just really wanted to sing along. I just suddenly tried to. I opened my mouth and tried to crack it out, but the words just died in my mouth. It killed any good mood I had.

I'm not a great singer. Hell, I'm not even good. But I love to just sing sometimes. In my car, it just feels really good to sing with all I have. There's just something really magical about music that I love. Certain songs that bring about certain memories in me. Like "Uncertain Memory" by Gackt always reminds me of early summer mornings. "Powdered Snow" by Pierrot always makes me remember the bittersweet moments of my life. "Hotarubi" by Dir en grey reminds me of things lost. "Stay in my Heart" by day after tomorrow always helps to give me confidence. "You're My Best Friend" by Queen always reminds me of the person who made it possible for me to be strong enough to have survived this long, even if he's not always around. "Child Prey" by Dir en grey always lets me know my gas pedal can be pushed just a bit further. "Genesis" by Psycho le cemu always gives me a feeling of being drawn into my creative world. Any song by X-Japan always gives me that extra push.

Well, I need to stop thinking, go drink the rest of the cough syrup, and go to bed.